What A Narsistic Grrl Would Say..

Lastnight when a friend of mine texted me, he said "what happened in phuket? did something bad happen? you sounded weird…"

is that obvious? I mean how can he sense that I’m not myself? I was being normal… or was that too normal??

I’m tempted to tell him my decision of settling down.. but hey, I think I’m not gonna do it!

If I’m going to get myself going through it, then I will do it for other reason but this…

I make myself sound pathetic and I can’t believe I almost make a fool of myself..

okay then, next plan… how am I going to break this? should I wait a bit longer or just throw it at him??

I think I need time to recover myself…

People have been talking about love for million of years… they talk about how wonderful and beautiful love is…

but why cant I find one?

All i found was heartache and pain… they said that through pain and misery you’ll find the joy and happiness in life

What is love anyway?

What is happiness?

I know each person have their own definition, but why cant I find my own definition?

Someone told me "Happy, there’s only one person you love in this world, and I’m sitting next to her…"

well, a person need to love him/herself before he/she can appreciate and love others, no?

he/she need to accept themselves before others can really accept them

oh, no. I dont expect you to accept me… I’m just telling you that, acceptance starts from ourself. No matter how people thinks and feel about you, we, ourself need to accept and love the person we are.

I feel like writting some bullsh*t here, but hey.. this is how i feel from long time ago…

I dont want to be someone who wants to shape me as their liking or made me into their barbie doll…

I dont want to be someone who I am not

I just want to be me and feel comfortable with who I am

Is that so difficult to see and understand?

Stop telling me who am  supposed to be, you dont like it when people tells you… so dont do that to other people. if you dont like the person, either you can try to accept that person (yeah right!), or move on and stay away from that person… ain’t that simple?

Stop making your life complicated!

it doesnt feel real…

i guess I was running away from the pain love may cause…

I’m avoiding pain so I dont have to deal with the heartache, and I decided to be the one who I have no feelings for…

people say that is the dumbest thing someone can ever do, but I think that is the most reasonable thing for me and my life

i need no more complication

I need no more hardship

I need peace and quietness in my life

So when he came with his blunt offer, I agree… because he is the one i have no feeling for.

i know, no matter how bad he’d behave, I will have the least heartache

I dont want to be in a relationship that full of turbulance and turmoir…

I think I’m gonna settle down with a stranger…

maybe it’s my time to end my journey

maybe it’s the way to end my great adventure

maybe i wont have a huge splash ending

if i close my eyes, i see flashing of my memories

the joy i had

the love i lost

the life i enjoy

the sadness

the grieve

those are the things that shaped me…

i didnt grow bitter…

i didnt grow sore

I just become cold…

they said I’m running away

they said I’m wasting myself

she said I am precious

she said I deserve better

she said any man would be a lucky SOB to have me

maybe she’s right

maybe she’s wrong

just let it sit for a while

maybe I can find something good in it

maybe it is the best offer i can get…

…"I’m not your fucking money machine…"

honey I’m not your whore who you can use and ditch everytime you need to…

aren’t we two of a kind? we think negatively about each other and try to kill each other everytime we meet…

but i guess those words hurts me more than I ever imagine…

my friend told me that I could be anything, but gold digger… I dont know why those words hurt me so much… I’ve never, never, never ask for anything but for that one time only… goddamit, I was only asking for you to buy me one freakin’ drink…

If i want money, sweety… I would never come to you

If I want fortune, darling… you are nothing

If I want wealth, my dear… I will find it myself, even if it kills me… if that what I want!

I know my dear friend is right, I just cant face the fact… I just dont want to cope with more confusion… dont want to deal with other feelings…

I want someone who take me and fly me to the moon, he could’ve be anyone at all. but I dont wanna be hurt that way… you hurt me.

at my rational level, I dont want you… but i do desire you, for unreasonable reasons… I know i hate you for being you, I hate your charm, I hate your cocky way, I hate how you drives me crazy, I hate how you put it all those things and makes you perfect yet imperfect… makes you human, a man.

I won another trophy…

hm… but this time I think this trophy got to me… I’ve been so deffensive all the time I’m with him… I’m denying my feelings just because I know that I am not special. I know that I’m just the same like the rest of his collection… I wanted to be special, I wanted to be different… that’s why I keep pushing him away.

Sue me! I dont think it’ll work anyway…

I hate it how he brought me into his life

I hate it how he introduce me to his friends

I hate it how I have to stay at his house

I hate it how he asked me to be more sociable to his friends…

I dont want to be part of his life!

I dont want to know his friends!

I dont want to know any thing more than I already know about him…

less attachement,

less complication,

less emotion involve…