What A Narsistic Grrl Would Say..

Just like a shoot of energy drink… his sweet words brighten up my day… hahaha..

I guess I can’t really let him go

he is the thing that makes me smile

he is the one who can makes me blush like a little school girl

he is my puzzle

he keep saying "Happy you changes with the wind.." hahaha… yeah I guess I am, he is my fresh cool breeze.

no matter how hard I tried to fight it, my step keep tracing back to him. though he is beyond the reach of my hands, but "I am drawn to you" *quoting from him*

You found the soft spot in my heart, and I know you have a soft spot for me in your heart too … "I have weakness for someone in Jakarta.." those are your words.

I do, I do misses you… I know how we always fight when we’re together, but funny how I never feel that the fight is a burden. I was fighting my feelings toward you, I tries to push you away. But no use… every way I turn, I can feel you.

I can’t even erase that stupid smile now… it’s so nice to hear from you… so glad you let me enter your life… so glad I had a chance to walk with you… so glad you let me be your friend.

I know it has to end some day, but let me enjoy the moment a little bit longer… I might not be able to feel this again.

I know my dearest friends disagree with the feelings I have for you, I know their reasons… I couldn’t agree more with them. but can we choose the people we love?

Just Like A Tattoo - Jordin Sparks

Oh, oh, oh No matter what you say about love

I keep coming back for more

Keep my hand in the fire Sooner or later, I’ll get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life I learn every time I bleed

That truth is a stranger

Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I’m wrong

And then change my mind

Sorry but I have to move on

And leave you behind

[Chorus]

I can’t waste time so give it a moment I realize, nothing’s broken

No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done

Live every second like it was my last one

Don’t look back at a new direction I loved you once, needed protection

You’re still a part of everything I do

You’re on my heart just like a tattoo (Just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you I’ll always have you, I’ll always have you)

I’m sick of playing all of these games It’s not about taking sides

When I looked in the mirror, didn’t deliver It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I’m wrong

And then change my mind

Sorry but I gotta be strong

And leave you behind

[Chorus]

(Just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you I’ll always have you)

[Bridge] If I live every moment

Won’t change any moment

Still a part of me and you I will never regret you

Still the memory of you

Marks everything I do

[Chorus x2]

Just like a tattoo I’ll always have you

I guess this song really represent my feelings at the moment, there were times where I am grateful that God had given me a chance to feel so many things. but yes, I admit most of the times I complain and complain for what I dont have in life… I’m being unfair the more I walk down the road of adulthood, I realized that I should’ve be more grateful and take the learning of my experiences. Since the experiences will always stay with me just like a tatto..

I couldn’t believe my luck!

Anywhere I go, everywhere I go… there’s a bastard standing there waiting for me in every corner.

I’m just like one giant magnet for bastards!! what is it??? is it written on my forehead?? goddam…

I thought if I hide myself away, I will be safe from them. Is this karma?? Hell I don’t believe in karma.

What happened to the decent men??? Are they extinct???

So many times I want to be someone else, to be some who is unnoticed by no one.

Whaddaya know… not only in real world I am surrounded by bastards, I know people say that I take it too personally… and I lose my cool. I guess I am at my edge, too many disappointments in only few months, too many pains I have to bear in these few months. I wanted to stared a fresh, I wanted to open a new page. But my old life just keeps dragging me down…

Damn! Double damn!

Why can’t they leave me be??

I thought I’m clear enough to shout to the goddam world that I am out from the ‘game’.

A friend of mine say, “happy it’s all a game, they will forced you to play it”. Guess what?! I am done with the games. I told you over and over again… I am not a game, I am no trophy, I am just a girl, a human in female form.

The same friend also said “happy, you’re a fun girl and nice to talk to, no wonder so many men fell in love with you”… but I know I’ve changed!! I am not nice anymore, I am no fun (God how I hate me now)…

I don’t get people! When I want to be me, they want me to be someone different. And when I am someone different, they want to see the real me. To hell with them!!

Just for once, I want to forget the real me and pretend to be someone else… a bastard come and torn it apart…

Oh, this is not a good year for me. No sir, from the start of the year, I should’ve seen it coming…

With my dad being sick, I broke my engagement, being tricked into love… now this! Don’t you think life is fabulous?! Don’t you just love how life play tricks on you?!

I can’t even pretend to be happy, I can’t even pretend to forget… it’s all keep coming back and hit me over and over again! If, anyone, right this moment telling me that life is wonderful, I promise you, I will shoved it up their arses and let them know how wonderful life can be!

…. lagi2 kesandung!! hikss… engga ada kapoknya yah?!

anyway… how can I express it in much more gentle way…hm..

a dear friend of mine said that, it is like a quicksand effect.. if I fight it or try to cross it, I’ll get suck in it and lost without a trace… (didn’t i’ve been in that situation before???).

He said that I should keep my head cool and be the cool biatch as I am couldnt agree more!

I just hate to sit around and wait… always hate to wait. Just like Miss Dee said, "the only virtue we dont have is patient". she is absolutely true… I want result, and I want it now!

I just feel like I dont have the time and I do feel that time is something rare for me now… it is an extinct animal!

sumtimes I just want to run out and escape completely, get lost in a secluded jugle somewhere…

sometimes i want to cry… funny how i feel that I have dried all of my tears… I cant cry anymore even though I want it so much… I’m just too tired to cry, too tired to be me… so many people expect soooo much from me… I hate people’s expectations!! they forced me, shaped me and form me to be what they ‘feel’ i can be.. well… I dont want to be whatever you want me to be!!!!! can I just be me?? can I be that ignorant little girl again??

too many facade I use just to be ‘human’. someone said to me, "if you use too many fake yous, you will lost your real self"… will I?

just like any other people with their ‘fake’ self… I am too wanting the same as what they want… I am too need to be discovered…

ya ya ya…
I know I’ve promised to some people that I WILL write that goddam book…
ugh… to start it is just so difficult. i did tried to write down a single page… in that page, i skip almost the entire ‘emotion’ part.. huhuuhhu…

can I just copy paste my diary?? it’s not easy to re-write my diary in a much nicer way but honest at the same time… ugh….

and this blog is getting gloomier by the day… I tried to write it more emotionally.. but it seems like I’m writing about a goddam drama queen.. hikss…

maybe i should write about a shallow drama queen.. it’ll be easier, no?