What A Narsistic Grrl Would Say..

That does sounds pessimistic isn’t it? But as women in

Indonesia

, let me make it clearer –

Jakarta

, arriving at the age of 30, being single-dateless and ‘pushed’ by the society to ‘un-single’ themselves. Many who had standards for ‘partners’ (a husband may not be suitable for all, some want that, while others just want a boyfriend), suddenly lowered their standard to the lowest point – as long as He is a

Man.

Silly may it sounds, but it’s true! Well, I may exaggerate it J a little. Okay, the truth is many had lowered their standard. If once they wanted a man with supermodel look, Einstein’s brain and a Buddha attitude (yeah, I also think that’s too much), they may lowered it down to; as long as he is not married (or not married anymore), have a job (whatever job that may be), and (though some times he is still an embarrassment to the public) at least he got something (anything!) to be proud of – either money, look, job, brain, good networking, rich daddy, or whatever… oh just anything!

Women would try or take any offer to meet new people (by people here I mean MAN) in their life.

Just the other day, a friend of mine offers me to hook me up with a guy about my age, after I told her that I think I want an older man to be my partner… guess what, I agree to meet the guy! Ha ha!

Yeah I lowered down my standard in a matter of seconds. At that time I thought I shouldn’t ‘limit’ myself and see if there is a possibility, I thought that maybe my standards were too high, might as well take any chance I got. (Oh, now I pity myself)

Then I realized (after I wrote this actually) that I’ve become those pathetic females I hate so much (how they surrender to faith, destiny, or whatever you may call it).

So what if my standards are high?

So what if I feel and think that only a certain man deserves me?

Hey, what’s wrong with all that? I know people would probably say that I’m deluded, narcist and will never find anyone. So be it!

Then I will single and glad to know that I didn’t make the wrong choice. It would be a disaster if I marry the wrong guy, will it? I will be caught in a bad marriage and regret it until the day I die.

I just hate to think that I let society pushed me down and forced me to conform, and turn me into something I passionately hate! A weak, defenceless, stupid and shallow female – eww… I am sorry to all the lovely ladies out there who thinks that I’ve insulted them, but if you are insulted by this, then you probably are one of the ‘female’ I’ve mentioned J

It may sound unfair…

But, yesterday I met several young girls and had a ‘chat’. and in our chat I found that they have minimum ambition or goal.. when I asked them about what lies in the future for them, they said they wanted to be successful… so then I asked them, what kind of success? and…. they dont know!! they just said that in the future they want to reach to somewhere… but they have no destination!!

i mean it’s like you wanted to go and have a good time, but you dont know where to, you dont know what kind of fun you wanted, so at the end of day, you didnt go anywhere and stay put! what the hell…

is that the picture of our young female?? when will women can be more and reach higher if we are not moving anywhere??

i mean.. in their age, they just want to feel free and experience all before they got married! hey!! do they think that when they are married they can’t do fun? they cant experience things? I am very sad… sad to the fact that’s how indonesia is… that’s how we are taught by our parents and the male… oh… I am totally irritated by them!! they think the world revolves around them! Oh God… I know I am being unfair to label them all like that…

I know that not all are like them, I mean look at me… and my gals… they are not near that. I am so scared that i will marry a chauvist… i am terrified…

A few days ago, I went to a ‘private’ sale of Zara in my office building. I went with several friends from the office and among us, there were a few men tagging along to see if they can get some good stuff. So there I was, and as usual, I head for shoes first and grab 2 pairs of shoes. Then I take a skirt… but then I found out that their debit machine is not yet working (dang!) in my wallet I don’t have enough to pay for all the stuff I took. So I went to my friend and ask them which pair of shoes I should take, but all of my female friends were preoccupied with their shopping goods. So I went to a male friend (I am so used to Haga choosing shoes for me), so I asked him, “which do you think is the nicest and which I shouldn’t bother?”. And another male friend join the ‘discussion’, the guy I asked is telling “hm… depends, but I think men would like to see the black pairs, but if you…” the rest of his words was lost for me. why would I want men to see me in those shoes?? Do they think that I wear shoes to be seen by men? WTF?! Today I was fooling around with a female friend and we joke around about figure – I have to say that I have a nice figure (which I take care like crazy just because I don’t want to waste my clothes collection if I gain too much), so, okay I don’t have huge boobs, but mine exist enough to be seen. I forgot how did we started the ‘contest’, but I was saying to a female friend (loud enough to be heard by the entire office), “hey, but I have a nice tummy…” and then a female friend cut my words, “what did you say? Tummy?” and I turn to her, “well, yes. Compare…” not even finished with my words, she add her statement “men don’t care about flat tummy, they prefer big boobs”. Okay the rest of the event is not going to be told here since it has become a stupid ‘male favourite organ contest’. But in my mind I was shocked, why must MEN as the benchmark? Are men the main benchmark for female?? WTF?! (again) All those remarks makes me think, are women so preoccupied in their head to be seen by men? Is the value of a female lies in the eyes of men? I wonder… do I even think that way too? I mean subconsciously… do I see my own value from the eyes of men? I know I’ve been down lately about not able to find ‘the one’ for me, but to think that everyday I dress and put on anti-aging cream. Did I do it all that for the sake of MEN?? I pray so hard that I didn’t do it for men, I am so scared to know if I really did it for the sake of seen by men. (no, I haven’t ask myself this question… too scared to find the answer) So let’s analyse the situation and what did I feel every morning in front of mirror, (I wanted so bad that I didn’t do those think for men) I like to look good, looking good makes me feel good and comfortable. I usually look my best when I know I have a date on the evening or having a meeting or presentation. For the date, not only with men, I just want my friends/dates to feel that I respect them by looking nice and of course to impress them with ‘halo effect’. As for the presentation, hey, if my clients going to skinned me, at least I die looking good  (my theory is that people forgive beautiful girls if they act so stupid or make huge mistakes, because the stereotype they have – beautiful girls are stupid, hey I have to make use every asset I own). Funny thing is that I look ignorant to my look whenever I need to use my brain the most, hey being beautiful doesn’t help in making the reports. Okay… to sum it up. I only use my assets the best I could! Of course, if the man I’m interested thinks that I look gorgeous, I would be happy too… and I love looking good for the people I love. I want them to enjoy their time with me, a nice chat with a beautiful girl sounds darn good don’t you think? And remember one thing, I hate men on the street staring at me like I am walking half naked. So I don’t think I dress nice and put on that eye cream or anti-aging cream for men. I do it for myself and the people I love. No, I’m not using men as my beauty benchmark. By now you must think that I am a goddam narcist  well, maybe I am. I don’t care, I don’t need others to tell me that I look good or bad. I do it my way and for my own pleasure… yeah I am just like narcissus… just hope I wont die drown in a lake after admiring my own beauty so much 

D’Cinnamons - Supergirl

Is does supposed to feel
Is does supposed to be like this
I’m not what I used to be

I feel that I can’t breath
I feel that I can’t be my self
strong when I’m alone

I’d try to get you out of my head
and many times I try to stop on the ground
but shades of you, taste of you, smell of you
spinning in my head…
goin’ crazy just because of you

# take me out of here… 2x
For I’m not my self, not I used to be
yes, I’m strong. I used to be a supergirl
well… I just missed being me

So how long, I’ve blamed my self for dreamin’ but you
I don’t want to stop, and I hate to be alone
just tell me where you are

I’m looking for you at many places
never bore askin’ people ’bout where you are
hey don’t you dare treat me like
you don’t know me

now you’re out of my world, don’t know
where to find you

back to #

well… I just missed being no… no…

ooo… that strong little girl
nooo… I don’t wanna be alone

you control me, you control me, huuu..
you control me, you control me yeah ….
nowhere you are makes me don’t wanna go
won’t be alone anymore
you control me…

beer is just like life honey.. it’s sharp and bitter, it gives you a punch and if you drink too much you will get sick of it

Margarita tastes better my butterfly
Juz like you and me

khukhu… a bit sour, bitter and lots of fun arent we??
tehehe…
it was great and I have to admit… you are one of the toughest!

‘tough’ is my middle name, darla!! And believe me when I say,’you won’t regret it the day i’m yours’:P

Cheers!!

the day you’re mine?? get real!! you’d be goddam lucky if I even cast my shaddow upon you - (kinda like this attitude of mine :D)

ugh…

too bad, it has to end when it got so exciting:(

life is not always fair, no? I just need to find other excitements in life… I think i got too addicted in my ‘other’ life and begins to forget my real life…

some how.. it’s not easy to take myself back to reality.. so many pains, so many problems…

but at least I can say, it was a good game! and i really enjoys it… "but its time to go home… it’s getting late and dark outside…" tehehe…

damn it! how i misses wit… no one can ‘amuse’ me like he was… but still all were just a dream… I need to let go and find the real answers in real life

I kinda feeling sad right now… there’s nothing to look forward anymore… I wish life can be simple, I wish my needs can be so simple… I cant bring myself down to just simple and basic needs. I know that’s what happened when you brought up as a strong and independent man… some times, I wished that I wasnt brought up that way… but most of the times, I feel like I am one of the luckiest people alive.

the more i grow, the more I know that my brain, my mind, my heart are not connected - they all have their way of thinking, in a very selfish way too