What A Narsistic Grrl Would Say..

…. lagi2 kesandung!! hikss… engga ada kapoknya yah?!

anyway… how can I express it in much more gentle way…hm..

a dear friend of mine said that, it is like a quicksand effect.. if I fight it or try to cross it, I’ll get suck in it and lost without a trace… (didn’t i’ve been in that situation before???).

He said that I should keep my head cool and be the cool biatch as I am couldnt agree more!

I just hate to sit around and wait… always hate to wait. Just like Miss Dee said, "the only virtue we dont have is patient". she is absolutely true… I want result, and I want it now!

I just feel like I dont have the time and I do feel that time is something rare for me now… it is an extinct animal!

sumtimes I just want to run out and escape completely, get lost in a secluded jugle somewhere…

sometimes i want to cry… funny how i feel that I have dried all of my tears… I cant cry anymore even though I want it so much… I’m just too tired to cry, too tired to be me… so many people expect soooo much from me… I hate people’s expectations!! they forced me, shaped me and form me to be what they ‘feel’ i can be.. well… I dont want to be whatever you want me to be!!!!! can I just be me?? can I be that ignorant little girl again??

too many facade I use just to be ‘human’. someone said to me, "if you use too many fake yous, you will lost your real self"… will I?

just like any other people with their ‘fake’ self… I am too wanting the same as what they want… I am too need to be discovered…

ya ya ya…
I know I’ve promised to some people that I WILL write that goddam book…
ugh… to start it is just so difficult. i did tried to write down a single page… in that page, i skip almost the entire ‘emotion’ part.. huhuuhhu…

can I just copy paste my diary?? it’s not easy to re-write my diary in a much nicer way but honest at the same time… ugh….

and this blog is getting gloomier by the day… I tried to write it more emotionally.. but it seems like I’m writing about a goddam drama queen.. hikss…

maybe i should write about a shallow drama queen.. it’ll be easier, no?

Sometimes I wonder… do you really care? or you just find me as fucked up as you and you tried to find your answer in me?

funny how you are very interested in me and my life… but whenever I got too close to you, you ran away.

you tried to shake me from my decision, the decision I made long before I even have the guts to tell you. and I dont even know why I’m soo scared to tell you about it… afraid of losing something that’s never belong to me from the first… I know I’ve been a silly little girl for you, you may think that I’m your plaything. but you didnt realized that I evoke inner you, I can see the changes in you even you’ll never admit that.

my dear, I sure hope you’ll find the answer and the one some day… because I think I’m gonna stop living in my dream world and I’ve given up finding the one. in my heart I found you, you are all I want.

my friend and I had a talk, we think that our dream man is only lives in our dream… to think that we dont want ‘perfect’, what we want is just a decent guy - well decent enough up to our standard that is. we dont want a supermodel with einstein brain and buddha attitude… no, no. even i find that criteria is rather abnoxious…

and what about love, people asked me. well, what about it? what’s love got to do with it? at the end we only love ourselves.. we only love the people who loves us, if not we fall into broken heart… we always can find people who loves us, i think that would be enough.

another friend asked me, dont you want to find the right one? hey tell me, how do you which is right and which is wrong? at the end we all taking the same chance, it’s like gambling… I just sure hope that I’m betting on the right horse (never good at gambling though). sometimes immediate action is need to be taken just because of instinct… intuition… wild guess.. whatever you call it, it is all the same. we all taking the same risk, it’s not like you have the time to know each and every horse in the game.

not all of us winner, right?!

It spelled B I T C H E S!

there’s only one brave man who steps up to answer that… and he talks about ’sin’…. WTF??

why bring God’s things to answer it? cant they answer it with logics or even evident things… i mean even the feelings so-called love cant prevent men from cheating.

they said that it is in man’s blood and it is set under their primitive instict to conquer and prove their manhood to the universe.

c’mon… I know life is never fair, but that was incredibly stupid! how can you blame gene and ‘collective memory’ to be the drive of your actions? it’s all you… not your forefathers nor the gene, I believe it depends on how you manage yourself and self control…

i mean there will always temptation, there will always be some kind of distraction, but at the end of the day it comes to only you.

I know I seems pointing finger to men, and I admit that women do cheat also… but see how society look at it.

i mean if a man cheats, they would try to see whether the wife ugly, fat, selfish or ignorant and they would try all they might to put the fault on the female part…

as for female, if they cheats… hm… society will see her as slut, whore, ungrateful wife, and try not to see it from the female point of view

hey i admit there are some sluts in this world whose never satisfied and it’s true that not only man who cheats.

but hey… man’s attention span is similar as goldfish (quoting from ‘didi’), at least when we cheat we still thinks (or imagine) our love ones… we are gifted with multitasking ability, thus makes us able to think or do several things at the same time!

do you remember your wife, lover or partner when you’re with your mistress??

hey if you ask me what prevent a woman from cheating…

1. pregnancy (do you really think 9 month pregnancy is sexy and allows you to do some ‘action’?)

2. kids nagging on her legs… (dont even think about it)

3. House chores (never ending work)

4. time (do you really think we have the time? we are supposed to be a career woman, a wife, a mother, a lover, a maid!!)

well you see my point no?

Lastnight when a friend of mine texted me, he said "what happened in phuket? did something bad happen? you sounded weird…"

is that obvious? I mean how can he sense that I’m not myself? I was being normal… or was that too normal??

I’m tempted to tell him my decision of settling down.. but hey, I think I’m not gonna do it!

If I’m going to get myself going through it, then I will do it for other reason but this…

I make myself sound pathetic and I can’t believe I almost make a fool of myself..

okay then, next plan… how am I going to break this? should I wait a bit longer or just throw it at him??

I think I need time to recover myself…

People have been talking about love for million of years… they talk about how wonderful and beautiful love is…

but why cant I find one?

All i found was heartache and pain… they said that through pain and misery you’ll find the joy and happiness in life

What is love anyway?

What is happiness?

I know each person have their own definition, but why cant I find my own definition?

Someone told me "Happy, there’s only one person you love in this world, and I’m sitting next to her…"

well, a person need to love him/herself before he/she can appreciate and love others, no?

he/she need to accept themselves before others can really accept them

oh, no. I dont expect you to accept me… I’m just telling you that, acceptance starts from ourself. No matter how people thinks and feel about you, we, ourself need to accept and love the person we are.

I feel like writting some bullsh*t here, but hey.. this is how i feel from long time ago…

I dont want to be someone who wants to shape me as their liking or made me into their barbie doll…

I dont want to be someone who I am not

I just want to be me and feel comfortable with who I am

Is that so difficult to see and understand?

Stop telling me who am  supposed to be, you dont like it when people tells you… so dont do that to other people. if you dont like the person, either you can try to accept that person (yeah right!), or move on and stay away from that person… ain’t that simple?

Stop making your life complicated!

it doesnt feel real…

i guess I was running away from the pain love may cause…

I’m avoiding pain so I dont have to deal with the heartache, and I decided to be the one who I have no feelings for…

people say that is the dumbest thing someone can ever do, but I think that is the most reasonable thing for me and my life

i need no more complication

I need no more hardship

I need peace and quietness in my life

So when he came with his blunt offer, I agree… because he is the one i have no feeling for.

i know, no matter how bad he’d behave, I will have the least heartache

I dont want to be in a relationship that full of turbulance and turmoir…

I think I’m gonna settle down with a stranger…

maybe it’s my time to end my journey

maybe it’s the way to end my great adventure

maybe i wont have a huge splash ending

if i close my eyes, i see flashing of my memories

the joy i had

the love i lost

the life i enjoy

the sadness

the grieve

those are the things that shaped me…

i didnt grow bitter…

i didnt grow sore

I just become cold…

they said I’m running away

they said I’m wasting myself

she said I am precious

she said I deserve better

she said any man would be a lucky SOB to have me

maybe she’s right

maybe she’s wrong

just let it sit for a while

maybe I can find something good in it

maybe it is the best offer i can get…

…"I’m not your fucking money machine…"

honey I’m not your whore who you can use and ditch everytime you need to…

aren’t we two of a kind? we think negatively about each other and try to kill each other everytime we meet…

but i guess those words hurts me more than I ever imagine…

my friend told me that I could be anything, but gold digger… I dont know why those words hurt me so much… I’ve never, never, never ask for anything but for that one time only… goddamit, I was only asking for you to buy me one freakin’ drink…

If i want money, sweety… I would never come to you

If I want fortune, darling… you are nothing

If I want wealth, my dear… I will find it myself, even if it kills me… if that what I want!

I know my dear friend is right, I just cant face the fact… I just dont want to cope with more confusion… dont want to deal with other feelings…

I want someone who take me and fly me to the moon, he could’ve be anyone at all. but I dont wanna be hurt that way… you hurt me.

at my rational level, I dont want you… but i do desire you, for unreasonable reasons… I know i hate you for being you, I hate your charm, I hate your cocky way, I hate how you drives me crazy, I hate how you put it all those things and makes you perfect yet imperfect… makes you human, a man.